The unlikely headline game

[Swatopluk]

Wagner haters thank Bush for mistakenly bombarding Bayreuth
The Anti-Wagner Opera League expressed their gratitude to George W. Bush for successfully wiping Bayreuth (center of the Wagner cult) off the map. "Although we know that it was only the result of his dyslexia and lack of geographical knowledge that made him hit Southern Germany instead of Lebanon, we are nonetheless eternally grateful to him for liberating us from the terror of Richard Wagner!"

[goat starer]

Baseball Haters celebrate as Bush accidentaly bombs Babe Ruth


Whitehouse in crackdown on former cocaine users

President Bush today announced that all federal law enforcement officers will be transferred to new duties in an attempt to track down substance abusers who have remained unconvicted since the 1970s.....

[Swatopluk]

Bush killed by AFV cannon. He has found his master*

*The Bradley AFV is armed with the Bushmaster cannon, probably named after the snake of that name.

[Bob in a quantum-state-of-faith]

President Bush finally admits that he never attended his National Guard post, and apologizes to true veterans everywhere.

[Griffin NoName]

Head of British Army denounces British Government Policy

oh, wait a minute - that's a real headline - at least it will be in the morning

[Aphos]

Sony Promises No Copy Protection on Future CDs

[Swatopluk]

Maximum Quota set on talkshows
The FCC decided to limit the amount of talkshows on TV and radio.
"It is usually nothing but verbal exhibitionism and is in much more need of policing than a few rude words or the flashing of the upper anatomy."
"Mere shouting contests will not be tolerated anymore."

[Sibling Chatty]

Expanded Medicare Prescription Coverage to Help Fill the "Donut Hole"

The government announced today that there would be a group effort by pharmaceutical companies to help provide medications to the disabled and to Seniors hitting the no-coverage gap in the badly drawn Medicare drug provisions.

(Actually, there are a number of retailers that are deeply discounting all generics, some to the point of making no profit and barely covering their costs.)

[Swatopluk]

Team Bush considering pro-football career
"We may not be young anymore but our vast experience in steamrolling will easily make up for that", "We promise that Dick will leave his shotgun at home."

[Bob in a quantum-state-of-faith]

Bush announces regret at signing terrorist bill, after his daughter is picked up as enemy combatant

One of the Bush twins was picked up yesterday, under the new antiterrorist bill, and taken to an undisclosed location.  The reason cited was that she "was likely an enemy combatant".  The Bushes were reported to have no idea of her whereabouts, as is now legal under the new act.

"I really had no idea it would come to this," said Laura Bush in an intervied on Fox News.

[goat starer]

Afghan operations halted as US sends peacekeepers to Africa

US military operations in Afghanistan and Iraq have been halted following the decision of St Bush to redeploy troops to end the genocide in Darfur and various other African conflicts. "Africa has to be our priority" said Bush, "some of these people have nothing, not even oil reserves, and it is up to nations like to US to use their power and influence responsibly". The articulate statesman, who last night collected his doctorate in international relations and peace studies...............

[The Black Spot]

"The Best Team Won" says Mourinho after Chelsea defeat.

[Swatopluk]

Cheney's heart found and reinserted
"He acted strange these last years", said his personal surgeon,
"While cleaning up the freezer I found this misplaced jar and after checking with the vice, it turned out that during his last surgery we put in a shotgun magazine by mistake. Now he will be his old amiable self again."

[Griffin NoName]

Police cells relieve pressure on hospital beds

The use of police cells for prisoners has been so successful that the scheme is to be extended. The Prison Service will become part of the Department of Health so that funding and accomodation can be deployed more efficiently. Woger Barking-Mad, a hospital spokesman has been quoted saying "Acute Psyche wards throughout the UK are filled with criminals as the secure psyche wards are always full." Full details have not yet been published but indications are that one patient - one prisoner will be allocated to each cell in all UK prisons and similarly allocated adjacent beds in hospitals. Prisoners will be able to acquire nursing skills giving them the possibility of work on leaving prison and patients will receive nursing care which is often not available at present. There will be an overall saving in salaries for nursing staff which is estimated to wipe out the budget overspends of the last ten years within 9 months.

[Swatopluk]

Paris Hilton receives brain transplant
White House spokespeople declined any comment about connections to her getting a top level job in the administration and the seeming disappearence of Karl Rove