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Simple Jokes Thread

Started by The Meromorph, November 19, 2006, 05:09:47 PM

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Aggie

Posted intact from an email I received:

HUMOR To all you OWLS
(Older Wiser Laughin' Souls)

Wisdom from Grandpa:

Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.


Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.


Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.


When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.


If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.


On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.


The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest is kept up.


Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.


Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.


The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.


Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know why I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.


How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?


I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.


One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.


Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.


Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.


If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
WWDDD?

The Meromorph

Dances with Motorcycles.

Swatopluk

Woman A: I stayed in bed with arthritis for almost a week recently.
Womna B: Oh, those nice Greek men! They still have stamina!

A: Bad acoustics in this room
B. Now that you say it, I can smell it too.
Knurrhähne sind eßbar aber empfehlen würde ich das nicht unbedingt.
The aspitriglos is edible though I do not actually recommend it.

Bluenose

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it.

If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.

The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?!"

The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time."

"GOD is missing, and they think we did it!"
Myers Briggs personality type: ENTP -  "Inventor". Enthusiastic interest in everything and always sensitive to possibilities. Non-conformist and innovative. 3.2% of the total population.

Swatopluk

Blair is looking out the window in 10 Downing Street and then says to his wife (with a very worried look on his face): "Cherie, dear. There is a policeman standing in front of the house right now."
"Don't worry! He's been standing there for several years now."
Knurrhähne sind eßbar aber empfehlen würde ich das nicht unbedingt.
The aspitriglos is edible though I do not actually recommend it.

beagle

You pre-empted today's Telegraph cartoon. A head poked round the door of Number 10 asking the policeman outside "Are you guarding or arresting today?".
The angels have the phone box




Swatopluk

Man seeks job in the circus
Director: What's your specialty?
Man: bird imitator
Director: old hat, not interested.
Man: Okay (spreads his arms and flies away)

Horse coming into the inn.
It walks up one wall, along the ceiling, down the other wall, up to the bar and buys a pint of pale ale. It downs it, walks up the wall again, along the ceiling, down the other wall and out the door.
Man at bar to innkeeper: Isn't that amazing? Do you understand what just happened
Innkeeper: No, im as speechless as you. Usually it orders bitter.
Knurrhähne sind eßbar aber empfehlen würde ich das nicht unbedingt.
The aspitriglos is edible though I do not actually recommend it.

Bluenose

Speeding??




An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: "Is there a problem, Officer?"

Officer: "Ma'am, you were speeding."

Older Woman: "Oh, I see."

Officer: "Can I see your license please?"

Older Woman: "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

Officer: "Don't have one? "

Older Woman: "Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. "

Officer: "I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. "

Older Woman: "I can't do that. "

Officer: "Why not? "

Older Woman: "I stole this car. "

Officer: "Stole it? "

Older Woman: "Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner."

Officer: "You what? "

Older Woman: "His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: "Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!" The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: "Is there a problem sir?"

Officer 2: "One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

Older Woman: "Murdered the owner? "

Officer 2: "Yes, would you open the trunk of your car, please."

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: "Is this your car, ma'am?"

Older Woman: "Yes, here are the registration papers." The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a driver's license and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: "Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner."

Older Woman: "Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too."



MORAL:

Don't Mess With Little Old Ladies
Myers Briggs personality type: ENTP -  "Inventor". Enthusiastic interest in everything and always sensitive to possibilities. Non-conformist and innovative. 3.2% of the total population.

Kiyoodle the Gambrinous

    

A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Corvette convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought as he roared up I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph.

Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Corvette and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 10 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back"

"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper
********************

I'm back..

********************

Bluenose

#39
Hehehehe....

Kiyo, that reminds of this...

[true story mode]

Years ago, when I was about 14 or so, I was with my father travelling back to Melbourne from holidays.  Anyway, we were travelling through the town of Holbrook which was notorious for its traffic cops and their zealousness for catching speeding motorists.  Dad was not paying close enough attention to his speed and we duly got pulled over by a crusty old police Sergeant who came up to the driver's side window and said to my old man "OK, so where's your pilot's licence for low flying?"  Dad, who had been a commercial pilot for B.O.A.C. (after serving in the Royal Navy as a pilot) reached into his wallet and got out his old (and out of date) pilots licence and handed it over to the cop.  Fortunately, he had a good sense of humour and laughed and said "OK, I suppose it was bound to happen one day.  Make sure I don't catch you speeding in this town again..." and he let us go.  Neither Dad, nor myself once I was old enough to drive, ever sped anywhere near Holbrook since then.

[/true story mode]
Myers Briggs personality type: ENTP -  "Inventor". Enthusiastic interest in everything and always sensitive to possibilities. Non-conformist and innovative. 3.2% of the total population.

Swatopluk

Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks if he'd like a drink. Descartes responds 'I think not,' and disappears.
Knurrhähne sind eßbar aber empfehlen würde ich das nicht unbedingt.
The aspitriglos is edible though I do not actually recommend it.

Sibling Zono (anon1mat0)

[parenthesis]
A bit late but...
Quote from: Kiyoodle the Gambrinous on May 04, 2007, 12:13:02 AM
A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Corvette convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought as he roared up I-75...
...if you are doing 80mph in I-75 it is quite unlikely that a cop will pull you over, unless you are driving like a real maniac (reckless driving). In fact you may even do 85 and they might ignore you (now, go 1 mile higher and then they'll get you).
[/parenthesis]
Carry on...
Sibling Zono(trichia Capensis) aka anon1mat0 aka Nicolás.

PPPP: Politicians are Parasitic, Predatory and Perverse.

Kiyoodle the Gambrinous

Well, I couldn't know that, and it was just a joke I've found on the internet... :)

Another nic joke, just to carry on with this thread:

Divorce Letter

   

Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together!

Have a great life! > Your EX-Wife

*********************************************************** ********************************

Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice.

When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica.

But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Signed Rich As Hell and Free!
********************

I'm back..

********************

Griffin NoName

Quote from: Sibling Zono (anon1mat0) on May 31, 2007, 07:52:41 PM
[you may even do 85 and they might ignore you (now, go 1 mile higher and then they'll get you).

1 mile higher?  does the police officer have a flying license too ? 
Psychic Hotline Host

One approaches the journey's end. But the end is a goal, not a catastrophe. George Sand


Sibling Lambicus the Toluous

Here's one:

Bill walks into a flower shop to buy a bouquet for his wife.  He watches the man ahead of him order a dozen roses.

Once he's paid for them, he walks out, sits down on the bench in front of the shop, opens the package and takes a single rose out, bites the head off and throws the stem in the garbage can.  He proceeds to do this with every rose in the dozen.

Bill turns to the florist and says, "have you ever seen anything like that?  That guy's crazy!"

The florist says, "I know!  The stems are the best part!"