Simple Jokes Thread

[Kiyoodle the Gambrinous]

In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi,
junior, what are you up to?"
"I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the
rabbit.
"Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible!"
"Well, follow me and I'll show you." They both go into the
rabbit's dwelling and after a while the rabbit emerges with a satisfied
expression on his face.
Comes along a wolf. "Hello, what are we doing these days?"
"I'm writing the second chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits
devour wolves."
"Are you crazy? Where is your academic honesty?"
"Come with me and I'll show you." As before, the rabbit comes
out with a satisfied look on his face and a diploma in his paw.
Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave and, as everybody
should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge lion sitting
next to some bloody and furry remnants of the wolf and the fox.

The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are important --
it's your PhD advisor that really counts.

[Black Bart]

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"

[Aggie]

Here's some fuzzy math...

[Bob in a quantum-state-of-faith]

During a propaganda tour, President Bush visits a school to explain his politics to kids. He invites the kids to ask him questions. Bobby stands up and tells him "Mr. President, I got 3 questions":

1. How come, that although the count of votes was not in your favor, you still won the election?

2. Why do you want to attack Iraq without an imminent reason?

3. Don't you also consider the bombing of Hiroshima the biggest terrorist attack of all times?

Before the president can answer, the recess bell rings, and the kids leave the room. After they came back, Bush invited them again to ask questions. Joey stands up and tells him "Mr. President, I got 5 questions":

1. How come, that although the count of votes was not in your favor, you still won the election?

2. Why do you want to attack Iraq without an imminent reason?

3. Don't you also consider the bombing of Hiroshima the biggest terrorist attack of all times?

4. Why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early?

5. Where's Bobby?

_________________________________________

Bush, Einstein and Picasso at the Pearly Gates Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"

Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.

Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"

Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."

Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.

Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove
yours?"

George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"

Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."*


__________________________________________

* some versions have St Peter saying instead:

"You go to Hell, George!"

[Bob in a quantum-state-of-faith]

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.

"What's the moral of that story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.

Next, little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are Farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."

"That was a fine story Sarah." said the teacher. "Michael, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.

She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the heck away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking."

[Kiyoodle the Gambrinous]

Warning, this joke is PG-rated, if you are not to read it, but do it, it's not my responsibility (and don't say I didn't warn you):
   

A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"

"Of course you may. What can I do for you?"

"Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid that they'll confiscate it from me. Is there anyway that you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, the young lady let the priest go ahead of her. The Customs Officer asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The Officer thought this answer strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the Officer said, "God bless you, Father, go ahead."

===============================================

And here's a little maths picture:

[Swatopluk]

A rabbi and a Roman catholic priest dine together in a restaurant.
While the priest eats large slices of pork he asks the rabbi:
Pork is so good, when will you at last see the truth and eat it?
Answers the rabbi: On your wedding, reverend!

[Kiyoodle the Gambrinous]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10.We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11.When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."

12.The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".

13.The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God". and finally...

14.Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

[The Meromorph]

Why is a cheap hotel like a cheap suit?




No ballroom. 

[Swatopluk]

End of April 1945, Germany.
Everyone is mustered and examined for the Volkssturm
First involuntary recruit: I have a headache
Examiner: You have a headache? I have one too, The Führer has one. Who hasn't these days? Fit!
Second involuntary recruit: I have stomach ache
Examiner: You have stomach ache? I have that too, The Führer has too. Who hasn't these days? Fit!
Third involuntary recruit: I am a complete idiot

[beagle]

The SAS, Royal Marines and Police are sent to a barracks in the country for a training couse in survival techniques.

The instructor sends each team out into the woods with the instruction to return with a rabbit to cook for dinner.

The SAS team is out for ten minutes and, after a single shot rings out, quickly returns with a dead rabbit, neatly shot in the middle of the forehead. The instructor says "Well done".

After another thirty minutes, and the sound of thunderflashes, grenades and machine guns, the marines return with a slightly charred and bullet-ridden rabbit.  "Hmm, OK" says the instructor.

For the next three hours there is the sound of car tyres quealing, and radio chatter, before the police team finally returns with a mangy looking live squirrel.
"Are you taking the piss?" says the instructor. "I said a rabbit. Try again".
Another three hours pass before the police team returns, with the same squirrel, only this time it has two broken legs and a black eye.
"What the hell are you playing at?" says the instructor. In response the team leader says nothing, but nudges the squirrel, which says "OK, OK, I'm a rabbit".

[Sibling Lambicus the Toluous]

I can't remember where I heard this one originally, but here's the version I found in a quick Google search:

The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a short-tempered lot. They not only expected you to know your parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing.

Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active."

Ground: "Good Morning, taxi to your gate." The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location now."

Ground (impatiently): "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop".

[The Meromorph]

I think this one is by Red Green.

I shall never see the sky so blue
I shall never see the sea so green
I shall never see another day such as this
Because I looked at the sun through binoculars.

[The Meromorph]

A blonde was driving down the street in a panic because she was late and and couldn't find a parking space.
Looking up toward heaven, she said, "Oh Lord, please take pity on me. If you find me a parking space, I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up sex and tequila."
Miraculously, an empty spot appeared.
She looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

[Swatopluk]

A catholic priest goes out at night and washes the car of the new rabbi of the neighbourhood synagogue. He wants to know how the rabbi will react.
A few days later he catches the rabbi sawing off the exhaust pipe of his (the priest's) car.
Why are you doing this?
Answers the rabbi: You baptized my car, so I considered it appropriate to circumcise yours.