Simple Jokes Thread

[The Meromorph]

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. 
This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[Kiyoodle the Gambrinous]

This is a little longer joke, but still very loveable I think:

God created the mule, and told him, "You will be mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and you lack intelligence. You will live for 40 years."

The mule answered, "To live like this for 40 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 30 years."

And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 30 years as a dog is too much. Please, no more than 15 years." And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are Monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."

And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years." And it was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."

And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so.

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like a clown to amuse his grandchildren.

[Sibling Kephra (Tansy)]

ooOoo... jokes section...

Two sausages are in a pan.  One sits up and says to the other: "Whew!  It's really getting hot here, eh?"  The other one sits up and says: "AAAGGGHH!!!  TALKING SAUSAGE!!!"

[The Meromorph]

Why is life like a shit sandwich?

Because, the more bread you have, the less shit you have to eat!

[Bob in a quantum-state-of-faith]

Why is American beer like making love in a canoe?

Because it's f-wordy close to water...

*******************************

A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's navigation and communications equipment. Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to get back to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building with lights on and flew toward it, the pilot had the passenger draw a handwritten sign reading "WHERE AM I?" and hold it up for the building's occupants to see.

People in the building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the passenger asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the Microsoft support building, they gave me a technically correct but entirely useless answer."

[Sibling Lambicus the Toluous]

Bad joke:


Q: Where did Napoleon keep his armies?

A: Up his sleevies!

[Sibling Chatty]

Worse joke.

How did Hitler tie his shoes??

In little knotzies!!

(I'll get my coat...)

[Bob in a quantum-state-of-faith]

One day a drunk man told the bartender, "I'll bet you $100 that I can bite my right eye." The bartender grinned and said, "Okay, you drunk."

The drunk pulled out his right fake eye and bit it.

After more drinks the drunk said, "I bet you $200 I can bite my left eye." The bartender knew it could not be fake, so he said, "Okay."

The drunk pulled out his dentures and bit his left eye.

The bartender, by now was really mad. After a few more drinks, the drunk said, "I'll bet you $500 that if you slide a shot glass down the bar, I can hop on each stool and pee in it without getting a drop on your bar."

The bartender knew he could not do it so he said okay.

The bartender slid the shot glass as fast as he could. The drunk jumped on stools and peed all over the bar. The bartender jumped up and screamed in joy because he won $500.

In the back he heard, a man yelling in frustration. He asked the man why.

The man replied, "That drunk fool bet me $1000 that he can pee on your bar and you would be happy about it!"

[Kiyoodle the Gambrinous]

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

[Aggie]

A bit of irony for y'all:  The Clean Calgary Association EcoStore across the street is having a Buy Nothing Day Sale.  Really.  BND posters everywhere.... and 15% off!

[Sibling Kephra (Tansy)]

What did the snail say when he got a piggy back ride from tht turtle?

(Slow and drawn out) "Wwwhhheeeee....."

[The Meromorph]

The Rules of Life
1.  Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2.  Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
3.  Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4.  Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5.  If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6.  My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7.  Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8.  It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9.  For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a biscuit in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy fridge.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. It's not the jeans that make your bum look fat.
26. If you had to identify, in 1 word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, & never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".
27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".
28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
29. You should not confuse your career with your life.
30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
31. Never lick a steak knife.
32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we put the clocks back.
34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests tat you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
35. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
36. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
37. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
38. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
39. Remember, the aircraft that you travel in was built by the guy with the lowest tender!
40. Your friends love you anyway.

[The Meromorph]

Zen Judaism
Excerpted from the book, "Zen Judaism" by David Bader:
April 11, 2005

If there is no self,
whose arthritis is this?

Be here now.
Be someplace else later.
Is that so complicated?

Drink tea and nourish life.
With the first sip... joy.
With the second... satisfaction.
With the third... peace.
With the fourth... a danish.

Wherever you go, there you are.
Your luggage is another story.

Do not wish for perfect health
or a life without problems.
What would you talk about?

In a previous life, you never called,
you never wrote, you never visited.
And whose fault was that?

It takes effort to attain nothingness.
And then what do you have?
Bupkes.

Breathe in. Breathe out.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Forget this and attaining Enlightenment
will be the least of your problems.

Let your mind be as a floating cloud.
Let your stillness be as the wooded glen.
And sit up straight. You'll never meet the
Buddha with such rounded shoulders.

To Find the Buddha, look within.
Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.
Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.
Each blossom has ten thousand petals.
You might want to see a specialist.

To practice Zen and the art of Jewish
motorcycle maintenance, do the following:
get rid of the motorcycle.
What were you thinking?

Be aware of your body.
Be aware of your perceptions.
Keep in mind that not every physical
sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.

The Torah says,"Love thy neighbor as thyself."
The Buddha says there is no "self."
So, maybe you are off the hook.

The Buddha taught that one should practice loving
kindness to all sentient beings. Still, would it kill you
to find a nice sentient being who happens to be Jewish?

[Scriblerus the Philosophe]

Two of 'em. Truely terrible, but I like them

God originally created woman with three breasts, but the middle one kept getting in the way, and so God preformed surgery to remove it. Afterward, he looked at i, and asked, "What am I going to do with this useless boob?"
And so God created man.

Diarrhea's hereditary. It runs in your jeans.

[Bluenose]

There is a sort of unspoken tradition in the Navy that if a sailor can come up with a truly inventive but believable excuse, one that the captain has not heard before, he will get off.

On this particular ship there was a sailor, Able-seaman Jones.  Jones was notorious for always being adrift (returning onboard late from shore leave) and always had a different, unbelievable excuse.

One morning during a port visit the Captain noticed that there was a particularly long line of saiors outside the regulating office when he went to perform his duties at the Captain's Table.  He noticed Jones amongst the throng and sighed heavily to himself thinking that this was going to be a bad morning.

The first sailor was brought in and duly charged with being adrift by 15 minutes.  The captain asked him if he had anything to say in his defence.  The sailor said "well, Sir, I had been out in the countryside and I realised that it was getting close to time to return onboard so I hired a horse drawn cart to get me back in time.  Everything was going fine and I would have been back in time except when we were about a half a mile from the ship the horse collapsed and died and I had to run the rest of the way and that is why I was late."  Well, the captain had never heard this one before so he said "Ok Sailor, I'll let you off this time, but in future, please ensure that you allow for unforseen sicrcumstances and aim to get back earlier.  Case dismissed!"

The next sailor was led in and it seemed that he too had had his horse collapse and die on him on the way back to the ship.  smelling a rat, named Able-Seaman Jones, the Captain waited for the sailor to finish and then said "Case proved.  Seven dayd extra duties.  Next case!"

Again the sailor trotted out the same excuse and so on, each sailor making the same excuse and the captain was getting more and more non-plussed.

Finally Able-seaman Jones was led in.  "Don't tell me, Jones," said the Captain "you hired a cart..."  but before he could finish Jones piped in with "Oh no Sir, I was walking back to the ship.  I would have made it in plenty of time too, Sir, but when I was about half a mile from the ship the road was blocked up by all these dead horses..."